My Origin Story

I just found this sitting in my drafts!
I am reminded how far I have come in my expression from writing this and obviously fealing fear to publish it.

Now six months later as I am about to post one of my most intimate expressions yet I can see how far I have come.
Originally written on 26/3/2021 I am publishing it today 21/09/2021.

I have expressed much more between these dates on my facebook profile (which you are invited to connect with https://www.facebook.com/tleeshield/ ) that my fear around publising it has gone.

Here you go internet! Here is my story outline...

This is me a more true label could not be placed on such a cute innocent face. “Reckless Rat!” I am neither reckless nor a rat but I fear this is what people will think of me if they know my whole truth. I am afraid of becoming the name of my childhood pedal-lo adventure.
Which if I recall correctly was very hard as I tried to manage it myself and could not... I ended up being tired and stuck due to my stubbornness even then! Haha.

This is my origin story outline.

• I have always been different! I was born in a small northern town and was more “sensitive” than most but also had a very strong will of my own.
• My parents divorced when I was six and I became “that girl” (the only one in my school with divorced parents). I hated it and didn't want to be considered less than or labelled or have people think less of me. My Mam was a single parent, we lived with little money, she worked a lot and my Dad was not about. My Mam was strict but strong and supportive. My Dad was a drinker and we didn't really see each other much growing up.
• I found school easy so I worked hard and did pretty well always trying to prove how good I was. I was picked on but made friends with lots of different people. I was friendly but not popular.
• I have always had an interest in nature, magic and been aware of my extra sensory perception but did not understand it. I decided I wanted to be a conservationist (take care of nature) aged seven.
• After an attempted rape by a family member and childhood abuser, I took a rebellious turn and formulated an escape plan aged twelve to leave Consett and become a Graphic Designer in London.
• I was encouraged to follow a career path like “law” or “teaching” instead but I wanted to create things and enjoy my life. I wanted a bigger life and more adventure! My teacher told me aged fourteen I wasn't talented enough to be an artist and should focus on my academics. I was furious but refused to believe him and managed to get a place on a Graphic Design college course.
• A older student came to speak with us about an art institute in London and I decided to apply. My teacher told me I was “not good enough to get in”. I applied and was accepted with an unconditional offer. It seemed I was good at proving people wrong and I was also fixated on proving myself.
• I paid my own way through university by getting into debt and working...hard! I really enjoyed the dynamic of living and working with other creatives and I also enjoyed a fun social life.
• I had an amazing time at uni but struggled when I left with depression feeling lost and uncertain. I did my dissertation on Propaganda, I realised graphic design would not allow me to create my own designs and decided I could not do that as a career.
• I worked in my retail job for a while and got involved in an abusive relationship with someone from work.
• I changed direction to become a photographer and worked my way up at portrait studios before launching myself as a freelance in London.
• I made a great start but over time struggled to make enough money and keep up with all the business needs alone. I was always pushing myself and using stimulants to keep myself going. I hadn't realised how much I was drinking.
• I am proud of the fact as a photographer I (quietly) highlighted unfairness in the industry (fashion, beauy, music and media) and worked amongst the brilliant and the mis-fits! I made decent money at times but not for the work I cared about. I found myself "selling out" to follow "success"
  
• I was offered a job in Asia and went out there to work. It was not as it seemed and I found the experience really stressful. They wanted me to do videography and I wasn't interested in learning that skill. My life here was amazing, I loved the people and the place but I was always complaining.
• Meeting the filipino people made me realise how unhappy I was. When I get back to London I struggled to readjust. Seeing my life as being shallow and not fulfilling. I enjoyed photography but running a business and making enough money made it stressful. It didn't play to my strengths to manage money and deal with all the admin. I fell into another depression and when I began struggling I was ashamed to reach out and tell people the truth. I didn't feel like people really knew me.
• During that depression period we had two burglaries, a riot outside the studio and I was raped. I gave up and attempted suicide. I prayed and said I wanted to die or learn how to live... I woke up three days later!

(I call this the past life)

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• I had lost everything and my Mam convinced me to come home. When I got back I struggled to adapt and isolated from everyone. I could not work and had to seek social support. This was a really difficult situation that damaged my financial confidence a lot.
• I had rejected my spirituality but after being “saved” and desperate for help I turned my attention to developing my spiritual side. I stopped drinking and decided to stop following doctors advice (to medicate my problems) and devoted myself to natural healing. I would be responsible for my health and wellbeing and would heal myself.
• As my awareness developed I grew my spiritual side found a sense of oneness and made new friends. I was riding high and liked my new life. My spiritual skills were developing and I was getting messages that were sometimes hard to accept and I did not trust them (or myself). I was learning to heal, channel and use my intuition.
• I started a new relationship that seemed brilliant at first, we had a strong connection and it felt magically guided. When we hit issues because of his addiction, anxiety and lying I started blaming society, the system. It fed into my own experience of how I was treated and the damage it caused me when I needed to stop work and get financial support but was refused any real help.
• With a genuine love and connection for others and hanging out with a group of friends who struggled with their issues we founded The ALT Group (A community interest company) dedicated to creating community projects based around food). This was to take back power from the system and give it back to people in our communities. I blamed the environment we were in and the system and thought by changing that I could help people.
• We did amazing work and launched several successful projects. I retrained as a Permaculture Designer, became a host, manager, company director and teacher whilst I learned and developed skills and trained in communicating and hosting events. I found I was good at making real and personal connections with people.
• People dropped off and I struggled with people not doing what they said they would. In general I struggled with handling all the responsibility and managing big groups but most of all holding people accountable without a backlash.
• I had two (public) burn outs!
  • One involved a massive group complaint abut a project (which was based on lies and assumptions) that coincided with Matthew and I becoming homeless and then Matty breaking up with me.
  • The second six months later, after I carried on with the work and did not take time to sort my own situation. I took on an extra project and could not find the support I needed to make the business plan happen which meant I was running three projects at management level and I couldn't cope. I also was getting a lot of channeled messages here about a global event (at least I know what this is now!) which added to my confusion. It was too much and I had to chose to end two of the projects.
• I was forced to make a decision to “fight my demons, once and for all” and started my deep dark healing and a delve into my root causes and shadow work. I struggled with boundaries, relationships and finding my balance.
• I spent in total two years sofa surfing and living wild until I got a new home.
• I spent two years healing and pretty much in solitude. Just when I got ready to come out covid hit and I had a miscarriage (from another difficult relationship) and was forced back inside to heal.
• I had not tackled my first major issue. My childhood sexual abuse, the dynamics with my family that followed and my understanding of abuse, neglect and power and how they were still affecting me.
• I was researching mental health, abuse and trauma effects and following my own healing process through my spiritual guidance. I decided to report my past sexual violence attacks to police when pregnant. I had a second miscarriage.
• I was still managing three growing projects and had a massive disagreement about one of the projects. When I sensed working with these people was not a good idea, I had thought I had protected myself when I asked others to take on roles I felt I could not fill. When the trouble hit they did not hold themselves accountable, they lied and I looked like an idiot. I made this public when they involved my funders and tried to go behind my back, it didn't go well. I did recognise the dynamics of power at play and it really helped me to understand how I had been living my entire life!
• I realised that it was not the just internal healing or external environmental healing but all of it. The individuals the dynamic of relationships and the environment. I had split myself into pieces and by bringing myself back together, I was able to see the full reality of my life.
• On the second lock down after losing the remaining directors I decided to end Alt and focus on my own work again, but I wanted to be authentic and do what I love. Once I could fully see, feel and understand the control drama dynamic all my energy work clicked.
• I manifested an amazing job opportunity that felt too good to be true. I was also warned by folks not to believe in it, but that fuelled my commitment to it. I wanted to prove I could manifest a dream life. I came off Universal credit and dove in. I pushed it and forced it and felt the fear and it all fell through. Leaving me back in my boom and crash pattern!
  

(I call this my ALT life)

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• Now I am here.
  • My ESP skills are on point. I have an amazing connection with spirit, channel, I can direct energy for healing and am able to “see” energy blocks really clearly. I have tonnes of spiritual, healing and shamanic wisdom.
    
  • I have art products than can be adapted to help improve physical environments (including the body) and I have design skills adapted to creating real-work and digital world environments. I have written two (full books) and much more.
  • I have the mental clarity to see and understand energy flows and dynamics and am able to ask questions relevant to understanding root issues, create a strategy to overcome any situation.
• I am the best version of myself I have ever been, I feel well, healthy, aligned and motivated. I want to sell my artwork and products and launch a membership site and online school for self-directed wholistic healing, I am also experimenting with energy work sessions. My ultimate goal is to create healing and creativity centres.
• I am also being pushed around by my landlord and universal credit. I am facing an eviction notice because of my time without work, when I didn't claim. I am under pressure to earn some reliable cash but I am not being pressured by it. I can see the power play and know how to keep myself in balance. I am using my life skills to navigate an old cycle in a brand new way.
• I am also finding myself in a situation when I voice my beliefs and health choices I am being dehumanised by others who want to force me to comply. I can see a very unhealthy power dynamic surfacing in society. I am creating haters so it must mean I have something important to say!
• This is not where I want to be. I want to be clear and honest about my own difficult experiences and my ability to overcome it. Not to prove anything to anyone else or myself but because I feel better when I am honest. I want to be responsible for my own success but not have to minimise myself to get support. Secretly I have always been afraid I'm not good enough and have not managed myself or my life well so deserve the hard times. The thing is I am ready to be accountable and not prepared to feel ashamed of myself. - I have always done my best, even when I was fucking up!
  
  
• So here I am ready to launch myself as a “brand” while being in traditional loser position! But the thing is, I just can't give in to the idea that now I have “failed” (by someone else's standard) I need to give up on being myself and agree to go along, get a job and conform like “everyone else.” It just doesn't work for me.
• My purpose is to create spaces for authentic expression and connection (internal and external and all in between) and my cause is to co-create a world that is accepting of humanity (erasing our shame in order to be accountable, encouraging tolerance without passivity).
• There isn't anything else I can possibly do!