I am not nice

I wanted to declare, in the intention of being honest, that I am not a nice person, nor do I aspire to be. I am not nice through the want to be unkind or hurtful, I am not nice becuase I see how damaging being "nice" can be. I would rather be honest. I have a history of being on the edges, never really fitting into any group, enough to be picked on and called out yet not too far not to be able to be friendly with a wde range of people.

I am not a well liked as far as I am aware or popular by any measure. I am under no illusions that few people may care about what I have to say or why I am saying it. For me in my life today, why I need to write, is that I have literally become so comfortable in my own aloneness, I do not care what others who do not love me, think of me.

Not people in my family, not colleagues or even friends, because I understand now that if I am not able to be myself and seek my truth around another, they are not really a friend to me. The feeling of truth, being fully expressed, being free of my defences, finding truth and honesty within myself was my missing piece to wholeness. Expressing this has brought great peace and power to me if others find that uncomfortable...bye, bye.
To me it is an early warning they may be a future liar, they still identify with a mask and don't have the integrity to be trusted in my world. It is likely they can not handle my truth or my energy and should probably move along their path.

Over the past decade of my life I have prioritised my healing and have cured my insanity. I have had various therapies and found various methods of releasing trauma from my body. This means I do not have emotional attacks and flashbacks like I used to so I am more balanced as a person now. I relish the idea of being soilid in myself now as I questioned my own mind and experince for so many years before.
I have wondered in moments in my new found confidence, my step into self love, conciously increasing my self value, practicing self care and trusting myself by acting upon my instincts, is it too much? it feels so great to feel good about myself and allow myself to feel good about myself, even when I fuck up! Does that make me arrogant? Does it make me narcissistic?
Maybe, at times, maybe this is needed sometimes to cure my codependence and constant seeking of external approval through some sort of energetic dualistc balance. Although, I never think I am better than another person, that my experience is better than theirs, I am just certain in my own experience and I am am well lived. 
I think we are all very unique and have special gifts in our own way. I am aware of mine, I know my strengths and weaknesses and that makes me better. Better in myself and better than I was, not better than you or better than any other in their experience. I imagine what a world with everyone being their true selves might be like. I imagine like nursery school, as grown-ups. Conscious chaotic, organised play.

Along my path I have practcied well and have a natural gift in spirtuality, I can and do communicate with Angels and other spiritual entities. I am not nice though. There wa a time I tried really hard to be becauseI thought I had to be, untilI realised there are many  ways to be and many ways to heal. i heal through fire, a burn, high energy like a fever I am uncomfortable yet effective.
I can be sharp, and blunt at time. Both being as rough as each other given different circumstances although I do not think I am unkind or cruel and if I am it is not my intention. I don't want to cause harm or injure another, but now I will not coddle or protect you from the truth of you as I know you, the situation as I see it and your contribution towards it as I notice it.
I also have sufferred with mental illness through my lifetime. Making sense of my peronal trauma and living with the symptoms was horrific at times and caused me much pain, which I often took out on others. I am a very emotional being and sometimes, this expresses in a dynamic way.
My behaviour has lost people from my life in the past. At times I have left, walked on without a look back. The coldness of my walk away for self protection has also caused waves of isolation for me over the years. The bitterness of my own winter chill has taught me lessons. Not appreciating others and what they were giving to me. I see it now, my blindness to their generosity and I have tried to learn to better that response in myself and cherish those who choose to stay with me.
I enjoy the change, the discourse and the debate. I am happy to see myself and be confronted with myself and my own contributions to the world without judgement leaving me to discern if my response and behaviour is within my integrity. I am not perfect, not even close to it. I am honest through, I am brave, I am caring, loving and bold as brass. I want to see us all thrive, be stronger, better, fulfilled in our experiences. Imagine a world where all humans are fully expressed.

I use stories and metaphor, nature and energy to explain things because it is what I understand. I see things others don't and I struggle to explain them in ways considered the “norm” in day-to-day interactions or with our ususal language. I genrally struggle becuase I consider most of the foundations of our society to be myth, untrue and total nonsense; damaging in fact. Nature makes sense to me so I often use her to explain the true logic of life as I see it.
I don't understand the acceptance of corruption so willingly cradled by others. I have big complex thoughts that connect each one to the other. They are massive webs of data that are difficult to explain in a sentence or a quick two minute passing chat. This is why so few people know me. I long for and love the long deep delve of an intimate conversation lasting years. I want to know. I seek to know it all and I understand that I never will. I want to know myself, every other and the wonder of nature as much as I can. I do not want to know illusion or presentation I want to know real even if it is not physical. Small talk is gaustly and I can't seem to find a real world out let for what I need to say so indulged in myself as I am, this is my exploration of that.

On my journey I have made many friends and I have for moments at least known people deeply, I see their beauty and spent a career capturing and sharing it. Over time I realised others didn't see the same beauty. People may not see the beauty in themselves or others and instead focus on creating a mask and strong but invisible defences that are presented to the world as a sacrifical offering, without ever bothering to peek through the facade to realise there was never really any true threat.
I have worn masks and lived life behind some very deep defences I created. Slowly I realised I had imited myself so much I was in agony. I began to intentionally look and see them and decide which ones I wanted to keep. I have now crafted my own concious masks and defences and let go of all layers that did not serve me. I know them now I can now clearly see the masks of others because I have been involved in the construction destruction and reconstruction f my own. It turns out that this seeing is gift with a sharp side. It means I have little tolerance for the current bullshit layers of masks used by people daily and I see their pointlessness when used blindly, prtecting them from themsleves.
I don't see the sense in complying with the will of others or sabotaging your own brilliance. I do not see the point in pleasing an invisible authority or even a visible and non elected one. I do not understand the want to be controlled, the need to comply or the will to give your life to the intention of another.

Our society makes no sense to me and the truth as it is presented to me is cold and hard. It tells me from deep in my heart that we are all to blame for the horror we have brought to our world. Children with cancer... we contribute, rainforest destruction... we contribute to it, homeless families... we contribute to it. Can we help it? I wonder this often and this blog is that expression of exploration. I have chosen to accept to change where it appears and when I can move with it, accept when change happens and where I am stuck. Part of me enjoys the challenge of bringing this to you to do the same.
In my life I will not tolerate excuses, manipulation, justification or ignorance of bad behaviour from others just as I will not tolerate it within myself any longer. For me I feel like I have found the balance between discipline to improve, acceptance of where I am and where improvement is needed and a willingness to move towards the better. I have little interest to mix with others playing around stagnant ponds or paddling in empty rock pools. I do love to visit them so I can find my discernment but my journey is to flow with the waterfalls, streams and burns of the earth, finding the true beauty of the world as it is in peace; when no one is there to interfere with her. I am ready should another see a defense I am unaware of within me for it to be revealed and intergrate it to help me grow into a whole, being without need for false defences.

I am not nice. I am neither a gentle nor delicate person, I am no lady. I am strong, powerful and full of fire. My nature is not to be soft, although my heart is humble and open always to growing and improving, even if it hurts me to recognise and move into the growth. It excites me, to see what I can unfold into and it excites me to watch it happen in others and I always want to encourage it. The time is ready for it and the Earth is demanding it of us. 
Growth is in our nature, growing into life or growing into death. Right now I feel humanity seeks to be growing in to truth and I am here to play my part and speak my truth. If this makes me unpopular to the masses I have little care, my hope is only to be loved by those who know my heart in all it's truth, even if that is a couple of cats, a dog and a hoard of plants who appreciate my gesture upon life.


Welcome to my exploration and good bye if it does not interest you. I wish all well!

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